Chicken and Carrot pie with White Wine Sauce

Takes:  About 50 minutes

Ingredient	Cost	Notes
3 cups flour	10p
1 cup cooking margarine eg. Stork	30p	Butter works well too, but don’t attempt with anything healthy. Blue Flora in particular won’t cook right. If it claims to in any way be good for your heart, you probably shouldn’t be eating pie anyway
2 eggs	35p	One for pastry, one for egg wash
2 chicken breasts	£2.00	If you’re using funky chicken, scrape any slime/discolouration off first, and fry for an extra five minutes. Classy
3 onions	30p
1 cup corn flour	5p
1.5 cups white wine	40p	Plus at least one for the chef. Don’t be fancy here, get out your boxed stuff
4 carrots	25p
1 tub sour cream	£1.00	Tasty stuff, but you could try using cream or even yoghurt

Total: £4.75
or £1.19 per person

Method:

1. Pastry
   
   
   • Pre-heat your oven to 200C because we are lazy and cannot wait for slow cooking
   • Blend the flour, butter and 1 egg together with a little salt and pepper (alternatively, rub in the butter with your fingers and then add the egg to amalgamate)
   • Knead lightly until it forms a ball
   • Separate a third for the lid. Roll the rest out to cover the inside of the pie dish- make sure it spills over the edge a bit- it’s going to shrink back anyway
   • Prick with fork, egg wash and blind bake for about 15 minutes. Prepare everything else now
     
     

     

     Still dangerous, obviously

2. Prepare pie innards
   
   
   • Peel and chop carrots and boil for 15 minutes on a medium heat
     
     
   • Chop onions and chicken and fry until chicken no longer looks dangerous
     
     
   • Drain carrots- put a small bowl under the colander to collect carroty water
     
     
   • Put drained carrots in with chicken and onions and take the whole thing off the heat
     
     
     
     
3. Pie sauce
   • Create cornflour slop with 3 tablespoons cornflour mixed with 3 tablespoons white wine
   • Pour into chicken pan
   • Add more white wine and carrot water until sauce forms- you may need to put the cornflour back on the heat in order to activate its incredible propensity for forming terrifying glutinous lumps around your chicken. When this happens, add more liquid
   • When a reasonable but boring looking sauce has formed, add a tub of sour cream
   • Stir and season thoroughly, then slop in blind-baked pie dish (suddenly remember you had a blind-baked pie dish in the oven…)
     
     
     
     
4. Lid
   
   
   • Roll out last third of pastry, cut into an appropriate lid-shape and slice an “X” in the middle to let steam out
   • Have your boyfriend or anyone who is supposedly cooking with you mould the remaining pastry into a retarded version of the animal inside the pie
   • Cut the excess pastry off the sides of the pie dish
   • Brush the linking edges with egg wash
   • Flop the lid on top, push a fork down on the sides to make it pretty and egg wash the whole thing (don’t forget to add the somewhat confused animal or your sous chef will cry)
   • Bake for about 20 minutes or until brown/extreme hunger
     
     

     

     Squirrel? Chicken? 

     
     

     

     Now, cooked!

5. Plate up
   
   
   • Pie can be a meal in itself, but I’m serving mine with mashed potato and fancy broccoli because FUCK THE POLICE
   • Chow down
     
     

     

     Mash and broccoli, because there weren't enough carbohydrates on this plate

     
     

     

     Appropriately dressed for dinner