Wontons and Mini Quiche

Alright! Today we're making wontons (or Jiǎozi as they're properly known. Actually what we're cooking are Gyōza, the Japanese version, because we're using garlic and such, but the wrappers should be thinner if we're going Japenese authentic. I get geeky about this stuff. Let's just call them wontons.)  and using the leftover gunk to make mini quiches, the best kind of quiches. 

Wonton preparation takes a while, so be sure to make an absolutely massive batch. Use the wontons in soups (boiled ones only) salads, lunch boxes over rice and for dipping in soy sauce or sweet chilli sauce.

Ingredients:

Happy little package of convenience!

• Three turkey breasts (or equivalent in just about any light meat)
• Three spring onions
• A cup of chopped bacon bits or cured ham if you're fancy (to counteract the healthy blandness of the turkey)
• One tablespoon oyster sauce
• 1tsp crushed garlic
• 1 tsp crushed (and chopped) chilli
• Wonton wrappers from the local asian supermarket 
• Look, I know you can make your own. I've done it. But these ones come in a lovely little packet and don't make a mess. If you really want to, it's just flour (preferably rice flour) and water. Go wild.
• 2 eggs (one for the mixture, one for sealing the wontons)

Extra ingredients for the quiche:

• Plain flour
• Some kind of butter, stork or (at a push) animal fat
• Another egg. I sure do love cholesterol in my cooking

Method:

1. Prepare wonton filling

1. Cut the meat like it owes you money. Seriously, as finely as you possibly can. It should look disgracefully not-meat-like by the end. If you have big lumps, they will make your wontons burst while cooking, and then that mix will stick to other wontons so even the successful wontons will remind you of your past failures
2. Chop the spring onions finely and add to the bowl, season with salt and pepper
3. Add 2 teaspoons of crushed garlic and 2 of crushed chilli, according to taste, and 1 tablespoon of oyster sauce. If you don't have oyster sauce, mix a tablespoon of soy sauce with a pinch of sugar and enough cornstarch to form the consistency of tomato ketchup, and add that
2. Wontons, Assemble!





Prussian Efficiency

1. Assemble in batches. Put a teaspoon of filling in the middle of the wonton wrapper
2. Beat an egg in a seperate dish and smear it around the outside with your finger while trying to take pictures/use a pastry brush like a responsible adult
3. Fold in half and crimp the edges. Here are three pictures of valid ways of crimping the edges. The one with the fork most shouts "White girl cooking Chinese food" so that's what I generally go with. Also it reminds me of delicious pies

   

   Words can't bring them down, oh no no.



3. Cook wontons

1. Fill a kettle with boiling water and add a splash of soy sauce to help with flavour
2. Lower wontons in carefully with a slotted spoon
3. Boil them until the last wonton has risen to the top of the pan (Protip: Lay a wooden spoon over the pan to stop thing accidentally boiling over. If you work on gas, make sure to line it up with the handle of your pan or you'll burn it and everyone will laugh at your foolish error)
4. Drain in a colander

This is how I like my wontons:
Pure and delicious, almost healthy

This is how my little sister likes hers.
All you have to do is pan fry after boiling-
gives them a nice crispy skin, for easier
dipping

Great! You've got wontons! And a whole bowl of wonton mixture left over! Fortunately, wonton mixture is basically the same as quiche mixture. If you're very foreign and don't know what a quiche is, it's an omelette pie. Am I making this sound glamorous? Quiche is manly, let's go.

Preheat the oven to 190C (374F), add the rest of the egg you used to seal the wontons to the bowl of slop and quickly knock up some short crust pastry:

Rolling pins are for losers
(this recipe only)

1. Guesstimate the volume of pastry you want and put about half as much flour as that in a bowl. It's better to be over than under. Also add a generous pinch of cayenne pepper- this makes cracking pastry
2. Add half as much fat as there is flour (stork or butter is best-- steer clear of anything that claims to be healthy) and rub in with your fingertips until it looks like breadcrumbs
3. Crack and egg in and form into a ball with your hands. Sloppy? Add more flour until it resembles what you think pastry looks like

Spray your muffin tin with oil spray (or grease with butter and some kitchen towel). Now rip the pastry into balls, flatten with your fingers and line the muffin tin with them

Slop the mixture in each one, sprinkle grated cheddar delicately on top and whack them in the oven until the cheese starts going brown where it's spilled over on the muffin tin. Also it should smell like Cheese On Toast (Americans, I believe you have something called a "grilled cheese". Use that as guidance)

Smells like the dishonour of a filthy
muffin tin

Smells like the glory that is Cheese On
Toast

Cool on a cooling rack and chow down.

Quiche just doesn't look good in photos.
Trust me that this is delicious.
I think it's the arbitrary bits of spring onion
that really make it sparkle.

NB: Both these things are amazing in bentos (lunchboxes). The quiches can be just wrapped up in tin foil and eaten as a hearty mid-morning snack. Go crazy.

Breaded Fish and Chips

Or: "How to bag a British girl for life"

(As pork pies are kryptonite to British men, so is fish and chips the one bona fide weakness of British women)

Ready in: 45 minutes

Multi-tasking level: Medium-high, but worth it

Feeds: 4

Ingredient	Price	Notes
2 large haddock fillets	£5.76	I’m using haddock here because I’m cooking for traditionalists. Cod is also traditional. There’s really cheap white fish out there if you just go to the counter and ask what’s good
6ish potatoes	40p	Alter according to hunger
3 tbsp breadcrumbs	n/a	If you object to paying for breadcrumbs, literally put your stale bread in a blender. If it’s not too old, grill it in the oven first to make it crumbly. Panko are Japanese breadcrumbs- they’re the best (absorb the least oil, making everything crispy) but also the most expensive.  Weigh up your priorities.
1 egg	15p
2 tbsp flour	7p
3 tbsp mayo	15p	I use light mayo because I’m a girl and therefore like to trick myself into thinking mayo isn’t just oil and more oil
1 tbsp capers	30p	Capers are delicious. Keep them in your fridge. The jar is pricey, but will last for months, even a year
1 splash lemon juice	5p
5 cups peas	25p	I’m using petit pois because I’m a fancy French lady (NB: Not actually French, but still super-fancy)
2 garlic cloves (optional)	10p

                                             Total: £8.22

                                              Or, £2.05 each

Utensils:

·       Frying pan for fish

         Spatula

         Colander 

·       Saucepan for boiling potatoes

·       Saucepan for peas (can be the same one, frankly)

·       Roasting dish for chips

·       Small bowl and spoon for tartar sauce

·       3 small plates/bowls/upturned pan lids for Fish Action-Station

Method:

1.       Par boil the chips

a.        Scrub the potatoes but leave the skins on (unless you’re a wuss) and cut them into nice thin chips- this will cut down on cooking time and avoid the dreaded so-chunky-it’s-basically-a-baked-potato chip

b.       Boil for 10 minutes to soften them up a bit

c.        Once they’re on the boil, preheat the oven to 205 C. Stick a roasting dish inside with a thin but even covering of oil on the bottom- enough that you can see it move when you tilt it

d.       Optional: put a whole, unpeeled clove of garlic in the oil. Makes the chips slightly garlicy, without the risk of disgusting burned stuff.

2.       Chips in oven

a.        Drain the potatoes and pat with kitchen towel to get some of the water off. Note the delicious slimy starch- this is what’s going to make the chips crunchy

b.       Shove the chips in the pre-warmed oily roasting dish. Take out the garlic now, if you put some in- remember that if chips are on top of each other they will take ages to cook- spread them out. Start making the sauce now

c.        Every 10 minutes, take them out and move them around with a spatula. Don’t worry if they break up, this will make them crunchier. Sprinkle with salt after 10 minutes. Start prepping the fish now

3.       Tartar sauce (we’re not making the mayo. Shop-bought mayo is just fine.)

a.        Put 3 tablespoons of mayo in a bowl

b.       Chop up 1 tablespoon of capers as finely as you can and put them in

c.        Add a squeeze of lemon. If you want it to taste homely and familiar, add a teaspoon of sugar

d.       Mix together

PRUSSIAN EFFICIENCY

4.       Make Fish Action-Station!

a.        In three separate small bowls, plates or upturned lids, put

                                                          i.       3 tablespoons flour

                                                        ii.       1 beaten egg

                                                      iii.       4 tablespoons breadcrumbs

b.       Get out your frozen peas and put the appropriate amount in a separate saucepan

5.       Cook fish

Golden brown, textured like fish

a.        Put 4 tbsp oil in a frying pan on the hob on a medium-high heat until it shimmers like a woofter vampire

b.       In your saucepan, put boiling water on the peas and put them on medium-high heat

c.        Dip your fish in all three atrocities in order until you’re cursing yourself for not using larger lids and cursing the fish for causing you anger[1]

d.       Make peace with your god and lower the fish into the pan of near-boiling oil with a large spatula skin side down. Remember it will probably spit.  Put the plates you’re going to use to eat off in the oven now to heat up

e.        Turn the fish CAREFULLY after about 3 minutes, when the breadcrumbs are golden- take the peas off the heat now and drain

6.       Plate up

a.        Take a deep breath. You did well, and whoever eats this will surely wish to marry you

b.       Take out the chips, remembering that they are blindingly hot and evil-minded. Scoop out with a slotted spatula, into a bowl lined with kitchen towel. Chuckle victoriously at how you have foiled their diet-ruining ways as they leak vast quantities of oil, and try not to think about how much is still left in them

c.        Get your plates out of the oven and spatulate (!) some chips onto them. Now cut the massive breaded fillets in two and put half on each plate. Add peas and sauce, and a bit of salt and pepper

d.       Chow down

It is difficult for me to convey how large that plate, and thus this portion, is

---

[1] Why we have three atrocities here: Wet sticks to dry. Fish flesh is not as wet as you imagine, but will stick to something super dry like flour. Egg sticks to flour well, but don’t massage it too much or you’ll get a weird kind of fish pancake. Breadcrumbs stick to egg really well, but need a bit of pressing in. Never, ever, try to stick breadcrumbs to flesh alone. You will end up wallowing in self-hatred as they fall off in the pan and you end up with burned breadcrumbs and separate, unevenly cooked fish

Fish for this recipe is traditionally battered and deep fat fried.
Note that we breaded and panfried.
This version has two major benefits:
1) Deep fat friers take up a lot of space and cannot be used effectively while drinking
2) This version will not make your date complain that she feels fat

Super Manly Pork Pies

"Manly" here means rustic (ugly), unhealthy and delicious.

Pork pies for the boyfriend's family- This variant has no 'jelly' between pie and crust, so they won't keep for as long as normal ones, but I think they're better like this. The recipe I use is here, but I make a couple of alterations which are as follows:

Components: Pork mix and hot water crust pastry

• No anchovy paste, allspice or mace. Instead, 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves, 1 teaspoon mixed spice
• More sage. Just over a tablespoon of finely chopped sage- gives it that really homely smell
• For flour: 4oz plain baking flour, 4oz strong wholemeal bread flour, because it's nice to have a bit more substance to the crust

Tips:

• Pack the meat tightly because it'll shrink a lot when cooking
• Don't add too much flour when rolling out the pastry because it'll flake
• If the pastry goes hard because it's cold, shove it in the microwave for a minute
• Use a baking tin with straight sides or they'll look like middle-aged mince pies
• They need longer than you think. As quite a girly girl, I am forever tempted to take pies out of the oven when they look pale and pretty, but this is not correct and will result in flaccid, undercooked pastry. When you're starting to look at them and think "Oh pork pies, life has not been kind to you", they are just about done. A good indicator is if you can put a nice thick layer of eggwash on before they go in and get a little pool of it on one side of one pie. When that turns sticky dark brown, and the meaty goodness is bubbling around the sides, they're done. I have included a disgusting close-up picture below to illustrate
• Let them cool on a cooling rack in the pie dish. The sides will still be very flaccid because the lard is hot when they come out of the oven. When cool, put them in the fridge. Pork pies taste best after two days.
  Pork pies are hardy beasts, just wrap them in cling film and carry them in your bag for a man-sized snack/on the go meal.

PRIME example of the “Oh pork pies, life has not been kind to you” principle.
These pies on the left do not look nearly miserable enough to be taken out yet,whereas the chappy on the right is brown, crispy and delicious. Note difference in egg wash.

Note: I have never known an English
man to turn down a pork pie. Please
tell me in the comments if you ever
have, because I think I may be onto
something here.
(Also, did anyone else giggle when I said "pack the meat tightly"?)