Wontons and Mini Quiche

Alright! Today we're making wontons (or Jiǎozi as they're properly known. Actually what we're cooking are Gyōza, the Japanese version, because we're using garlic and such, but the wrappers should be thinner if we're going Japenese authentic. I get geeky about this stuff. Let's just call them wontons.)  and using the leftover gunk to make mini quiches, the best kind of quiches. 

Wonton preparation takes a while, so be sure to make an absolutely massive batch. Use the wontons in soups (boiled ones only) salads, lunch boxes over rice and for dipping in soy sauce or sweet chilli sauce.

Ingredients:

Happy little package of convenience!

• Three turkey breasts (or equivalent in just about any light meat)
• Three spring onions
• A cup of chopped bacon bits or cured ham if you're fancy (to counteract the healthy blandness of the turkey)
• One tablespoon oyster sauce
• 1tsp crushed garlic
• 1 tsp crushed (and chopped) chilli
• Wonton wrappers from the local asian supermarket 
• Look, I know you can make your own. I've done it. But these ones come in a lovely little packet and don't make a mess. If you really want to, it's just flour (preferably rice flour) and water. Go wild.
• 2 eggs (one for the mixture, one for sealing the wontons)

Extra ingredients for the quiche:

• Plain flour
• Some kind of butter, stork or (at a push) animal fat
• Another egg. I sure do love cholesterol in my cooking

Method:

1. Prepare wonton filling

1. Cut the meat like it owes you money. Seriously, as finely as you possibly can. It should look disgracefully not-meat-like by the end. If you have big lumps, they will make your wontons burst while cooking, and then that mix will stick to other wontons so even the successful wontons will remind you of your past failures
2. Chop the spring onions finely and add to the bowl, season with salt and pepper
3. Add 2 teaspoons of crushed garlic and 2 of crushed chilli, according to taste, and 1 tablespoon of oyster sauce. If you don't have oyster sauce, mix a tablespoon of soy sauce with a pinch of sugar and enough cornstarch to form the consistency of tomato ketchup, and add that
2. Wontons, Assemble!





Prussian Efficiency

1. Assemble in batches. Put a teaspoon of filling in the middle of the wonton wrapper
2. Beat an egg in a seperate dish and smear it around the outside with your finger while trying to take pictures/use a pastry brush like a responsible adult
3. Fold in half and crimp the edges. Here are three pictures of valid ways of crimping the edges. The one with the fork most shouts "White girl cooking Chinese food" so that's what I generally go with. Also it reminds me of delicious pies

   

   Words can't bring them down, oh no no.



3. Cook wontons

1. Fill a kettle with boiling water and add a splash of soy sauce to help with flavour
2. Lower wontons in carefully with a slotted spoon
3. Boil them until the last wonton has risen to the top of the pan (Protip: Lay a wooden spoon over the pan to stop thing accidentally boiling over. If you work on gas, make sure to line it up with the handle of your pan or you'll burn it and everyone will laugh at your foolish error)
4. Drain in a colander

This is how I like my wontons:
Pure and delicious, almost healthy

This is how my little sister likes hers.
All you have to do is pan fry after boiling-
gives them a nice crispy skin, for easier
dipping

Great! You've got wontons! And a whole bowl of wonton mixture left over! Fortunately, wonton mixture is basically the same as quiche mixture. If you're very foreign and don't know what a quiche is, it's an omelette pie. Am I making this sound glamorous? Quiche is manly, let's go.

Preheat the oven to 190C (374F), add the rest of the egg you used to seal the wontons to the bowl of slop and quickly knock up some short crust pastry:

Rolling pins are for losers
(this recipe only)

1. Guesstimate the volume of pastry you want and put about half as much flour as that in a bowl. It's better to be over than under. Also add a generous pinch of cayenne pepper- this makes cracking pastry
2. Add half as much fat as there is flour (stork or butter is best-- steer clear of anything that claims to be healthy) and rub in with your fingertips until it looks like breadcrumbs
3. Crack and egg in and form into a ball with your hands. Sloppy? Add more flour until it resembles what you think pastry looks like

Spray your muffin tin with oil spray (or grease with butter and some kitchen towel). Now rip the pastry into balls, flatten with your fingers and line the muffin tin with them

Slop the mixture in each one, sprinkle grated cheddar delicately on top and whack them in the oven until the cheese starts going brown where it's spilled over on the muffin tin. Also it should smell like Cheese On Toast (Americans, I believe you have something called a "grilled cheese". Use that as guidance)

Smells like the dishonour of a filthy
muffin tin

Smells like the glory that is Cheese On
Toast

Cool on a cooling rack and chow down.

Quiche just doesn't look good in photos.
Trust me that this is delicious.
I think it's the arbitrary bits of spring onion
that really make it sparkle.

NB: Both these things are amazing in bentos (lunchboxes). The quiches can be just wrapped up in tin foil and eaten as a hearty mid-morning snack. Go crazy.

Prawn Curry in a Hurry

Takes: 15 minutes

Multitasking level: Low

Feeds: 4

Ingredient	Price	Notes
1 pack pre-cooked prawns	£2.50	These were just in the fridge. Use any pre-cooked leftover meat to cut down on cooking time.
1 handful green beans	30p	Or any green veg that’s on the cheap
1 orange bell pepper	30p	Any colour except green, as green bell peppers are the devil of all vegetation
1 large white onion	10p
1 inch ginger	5p
2 cloves garlic	10p
1 lemon	25p	Always use lemon where there’s a tomato based sauce, or it feels really bogged down
Enough rice for 4 people	30p	There’s a post on this if you can’t remember how to measure it all
Various spices	Steal from parents’ cupboards ~30p's worth here	1 tablespoon garam masala, 1 tsp ground cinnamon, 1 tablespoon cumin, 2 tablespoons dessicated coconut, 2 tsp chopped chilli
1 carton chopped tomatoes	38p	Sainsbury’s value are the best for juiciness, consistency and colour- Tesco’s ones look a bit mutant

                                              Total: £4.28
                                               Or £1.07 each

     1.      Sort rice

a.      Measure: Put some rice in the saucepan. Remember that it will expand to double its size, so work out how much you're likely to eat

b.      Wash: Put cold water in the rice pan and swirl it around with your hand until the water turns cloudy. Block the rice with your hand and drain the water out. Repeat these steps until your water turns clear- about 5-7 times

c.       Water: Place your finger so the tip just touches the rice. Fill the pan with water until it reaches the first joint on this finger. That’s the right amount of water.

d.      Cook: Put on full heat until it boils. Don’t take the lid off, at all. Turn right down to the lowest heat for 10 minutes or until all the water is absorbed. Start cooking the curry now. After ten minutes, take off the heat WITHOUT TAKING THE LID OFF and leave it to steam itself off the bottom of the pan until you’re ready to eat

2.       Make curry

a.        Slice the onion and fry on a medium heat in 1tbsp oil until soft

b.       Add all the spice, the green beans, chopped ginger and the chopped garlic

c.        Add the chopped tomato, the prawns and the bell pepper- stir for 3 minutes

d.       Add the juice of half a lemon- taste it, if it's too hot, add a little yoghurt

3.       Plate up

a.        Fluff up the rice with a fork and pop some on the plate

b.       Pile curry on top in a hopefully appealing way, remembering that curry always looks like a mess

c.        If you’re trying to make an effort with your presentation because your blog is starting to make you money, garnish with a somewhat arbitrary bit of parsley

The compulsion to take cheerful pictures of my food means I have not eaten a piping hot dinner in quite a while

Breaded Fish and Chips

Or: "How to bag a British girl for life"

(As pork pies are kryptonite to British men, so is fish and chips the one bona fide weakness of British women)

Ready in: 45 minutes

Multi-tasking level: Medium-high, but worth it

Feeds: 4

Ingredient	Price	Notes
2 large haddock fillets	£5.76	I’m using haddock here because I’m cooking for traditionalists. Cod is also traditional. There’s really cheap white fish out there if you just go to the counter and ask what’s good
6ish potatoes	40p	Alter according to hunger
3 tbsp breadcrumbs	n/a	If you object to paying for breadcrumbs, literally put your stale bread in a blender. If it’s not too old, grill it in the oven first to make it crumbly. Panko are Japanese breadcrumbs- they’re the best (absorb the least oil, making everything crispy) but also the most expensive.  Weigh up your priorities.
1 egg	15p
2 tbsp flour	7p
3 tbsp mayo	15p	I use light mayo because I’m a girl and therefore like to trick myself into thinking mayo isn’t just oil and more oil
1 tbsp capers	30p	Capers are delicious. Keep them in your fridge. The jar is pricey, but will last for months, even a year
1 splash lemon juice	5p
5 cups peas	25p	I’m using petit pois because I’m a fancy French lady (NB: Not actually French, but still super-fancy)
2 garlic cloves (optional)	10p

                                             Total: £8.22

                                              Or, £2.05 each

Utensils:

·       Frying pan for fish

         Spatula

         Colander 

·       Saucepan for boiling potatoes

·       Saucepan for peas (can be the same one, frankly)

·       Roasting dish for chips

·       Small bowl and spoon for tartar sauce

·       3 small plates/bowls/upturned pan lids for Fish Action-Station

Method:

1.       Par boil the chips

a.        Scrub the potatoes but leave the skins on (unless you’re a wuss) and cut them into nice thin chips- this will cut down on cooking time and avoid the dreaded so-chunky-it’s-basically-a-baked-potato chip

b.       Boil for 10 minutes to soften them up a bit

c.        Once they’re on the boil, preheat the oven to 205 C. Stick a roasting dish inside with a thin but even covering of oil on the bottom- enough that you can see it move when you tilt it

d.       Optional: put a whole, unpeeled clove of garlic in the oil. Makes the chips slightly garlicy, without the risk of disgusting burned stuff.

2.       Chips in oven

a.        Drain the potatoes and pat with kitchen towel to get some of the water off. Note the delicious slimy starch- this is what’s going to make the chips crunchy

b.       Shove the chips in the pre-warmed oily roasting dish. Take out the garlic now, if you put some in- remember that if chips are on top of each other they will take ages to cook- spread them out. Start making the sauce now

c.        Every 10 minutes, take them out and move them around with a spatula. Don’t worry if they break up, this will make them crunchier. Sprinkle with salt after 10 minutes. Start prepping the fish now

3.       Tartar sauce (we’re not making the mayo. Shop-bought mayo is just fine.)

a.        Put 3 tablespoons of mayo in a bowl

b.       Chop up 1 tablespoon of capers as finely as you can and put them in

c.        Add a squeeze of lemon. If you want it to taste homely and familiar, add a teaspoon of sugar

d.       Mix together

PRUSSIAN EFFICIENCY

4.       Make Fish Action-Station!

a.        In three separate small bowls, plates or upturned lids, put

                                                          i.       3 tablespoons flour

                                                        ii.       1 beaten egg

                                                      iii.       4 tablespoons breadcrumbs

b.       Get out your frozen peas and put the appropriate amount in a separate saucepan

5.       Cook fish

Golden brown, textured like fish

a.        Put 4 tbsp oil in a frying pan on the hob on a medium-high heat until it shimmers like a woofter vampire

b.       In your saucepan, put boiling water on the peas and put them on medium-high heat

c.        Dip your fish in all three atrocities in order until you’re cursing yourself for not using larger lids and cursing the fish for causing you anger[1]

d.       Make peace with your god and lower the fish into the pan of near-boiling oil with a large spatula skin side down. Remember it will probably spit.  Put the plates you’re going to use to eat off in the oven now to heat up

e.        Turn the fish CAREFULLY after about 3 minutes, when the breadcrumbs are golden- take the peas off the heat now and drain

6.       Plate up

a.        Take a deep breath. You did well, and whoever eats this will surely wish to marry you

b.       Take out the chips, remembering that they are blindingly hot and evil-minded. Scoop out with a slotted spatula, into a bowl lined with kitchen towel. Chuckle victoriously at how you have foiled their diet-ruining ways as they leak vast quantities of oil, and try not to think about how much is still left in them

c.        Get your plates out of the oven and spatulate (!) some chips onto them. Now cut the massive breaded fillets in two and put half on each plate. Add peas and sauce, and a bit of salt and pepper

d.       Chow down

It is difficult for me to convey how large that plate, and thus this portion, is

---

[1] Why we have three atrocities here: Wet sticks to dry. Fish flesh is not as wet as you imagine, but will stick to something super dry like flour. Egg sticks to flour well, but don’t massage it too much or you’ll get a weird kind of fish pancake. Breadcrumbs stick to egg really well, but need a bit of pressing in. Never, ever, try to stick breadcrumbs to flesh alone. You will end up wallowing in self-hatred as they fall off in the pan and you end up with burned breadcrumbs and separate, unevenly cooked fish

Fish for this recipe is traditionally battered and deep fat fried.
Note that we breaded and panfried.
This version has two major benefits:
1) Deep fat friers take up a lot of space and cannot be used effectively while drinking
2) This version will not make your date complain that she feels fat

Chicken Curry with Rice

 Multitasking level: Medium

Ready in: 30 minutes
Serves: 6

Ingredient	Price	Notes
6 Chicken thighs	£2.69	Chicken thighs are cheaper than chicken breasts, but fiddlier to prepare. I get chicken thigh fillets as an in-between measure
2 Onions	20p	Gotta have some onion if we’re making a pan meal
3 handfuls of any raw veg	£1.20	Search Reduced To Clear section for nice things. Here I’m using green beans, mushrooms, sugar-snap peas and a tomato
Rice	1.39 per kilo- probably using about 40p worth here	Not the boil in the bag stuff, that stuff is weird and expensive.
1 lime	23p	Lemon’s alright too
2 Bell peppers	80p	Any colour, but not green (they taste like grass) Buy in ugly-buggers multipacks- these are expensive at the moment
Spices	Start building a collection- steal from back of parents’ cupboards	Basically use what you have and alter proportions as necessary, but here we’re going to use: 1 tsp turmeric 2 tsp cumin 1 tsp coriander 1 tsp cinnamon ¼ tsp ground cloves 1 tsp ground ginger 2 tablespoon coconut powder or desiccated coconut
2-3 tbsp natural yoghurt	30p	I get the Total 0% big packs because it's refreshing and doesn't go off

                                          Total: £5.82
                                            or £0.97 each
Utensils:

• Wok, balti or large frying pan
• Small saucepan and lid for rice
• Chopping board and knife
• Spatula

1.      Rice

a.      Measure: Put some rice in the saucepan. Remember that it will expand to double its size, so work out how much you're likely to eat

b.      Wash: Put cold water in the rice pan and swirl it around with your hand until the water turns cloudy. Block the rice with your hand and drain the water out. Repeat these steps until your water turns clear- about 5-7 times

c.       Water: Place your finger so the tip just touches the rice. Fill the pan with water until it reaches the first joint on this finger. That’s the right amount of water.

d.      Cook: Put on full heat until it boils. Don’t take the lid off, at all. Turn right down to the lowest heat for 10 minutes or until all the water is absorbed. Start cooking the curry now. After ten minutes, take off the heat WITHOUT TAKING THE LID OFF and leave it to steam itself off the bottom of the pan until you’re ready to eat

2.       Curry

a.        Put 1tbsp oil in the pan. Add sliced onions and cook on medium heat until soft

b.       Chop chicken into pieces no bigger than your thumb. Take off the hard fat at this point, because it’ll taste gross cold. Put the chicken in the pan too.

c.        Add spices: Sniff each spice before you put it in to remind you what it does for the curry. Then when you taste the curry later you’ll know what to add again. Keep stirring things because burned spices are gross.

d.       Add hardy veg: Anything you actually want cooked. This generally means green things because otherwise they taste grassy. Add chillies now if you want to add those to the recipe. Cut up delicate veg.

e.        Add delicate veg: Bell peppers, tomato and mushrooms, in this case. Stuff that doesn’t need much time

f.         Add yoghurt and give a good stir- It should be looking like you’ve completely ruined your curry by dropping a tonne of moisturiser on it, but it’ll soon go brown and delicious with the spices. Add your lime juice. Taste some of the veg and add more spice as required- the yoghurt will make the spice less spicy, so alter as necessary.

3.       Plate up

a.        Give the rice a good fork-through to fluff it up

b.       Shove curry on top and realise that while this curry tastes amazing it looks like hell on a plate

c.        Chow down

SO BRIGHT IT HURTS MY FACE